Burnout and the Future

I have a lot of posts I keep starting, writing a paragraph, and stopping. I tell myself I’ll do them “later,” but then “later” never really comes. I’ll try to get those finished soon, but lately it just seems like everything is very… well, overly-difficult.

Academic settings often make me feel particularly insufficient, which is already a pretty big problem as a grad student. I want to be good at things. I want people to think I’m smart. I want to be exceptional. The problem is that every grad student wants these things, and so when I’m trying to be the best (or at least better) amongst a group of people who is also trying to be the best, it’s almost impossible to stay ahead. In undergrad, I burnt out right at the end of my four years, which was probably the best timing possible. In grad school now, I’m burning out way too early, right when it matters most.

I’ve been feeling the slump for several months now, which was part of why I started this blog in the first place. It’s just been getting worse and worse. And I have to figure out how to actually get through the program. How do I finish it when I don’t want to be here anymore? How do I last another year (at least) when getting through a single day is so difficult? How can I study for my comprehensive exam (again) when I’m not sure I really want to pass it, because I just don’t care anymore? I’m questioning the point of doing every experiment, going to every seminar, reading every paper. I just don’t care. I got an email today about signing up for journal club, and all I could think was that if they force me to sign up for one more semester of journal club, I’m quitting here and now.The idea of another semester of journal club fills me with anger and hatred, followed by a hollow void.

There are a lot of websites that talk about how to reverse burnout. Most of the suggestions are “take a long vacation” and “change your job/career,” neither of which I can really do right now. If I quit, it would be “hasty” as my PI said, and I wouldn’t want to repeat the entire process later if I ever changed my mind again. The past few people I’ve spoken to about my comprehensive exam, I’ve said I’m burned out. They told me to get over it, which was not really that helpful.

One person did, however, talk about what helped him get through the hard times. He said he knew he wanted to be a professor, and to do research at a university, and he knew that he needed to have a PhD in order to do that. Well, that’s fine for him, but I don’t want to be a professor or do research at a university. I thought maybe I did, but now I know that that’s the last thing I want to do. I worry that it would literally kill me, because everything is so stressful all the time, and I would not be able to handle that at all. So what now? What does this PhD even mean for me?

This is the question that I’ve been trying to focus on recently, but with the mindset I’m in, it’s easy to ignore it in favor of just getting through this next hour, or the day, or the week. I’m just trying to get through what I can without expending energy I don’t feel I have, and I think that’s just compounding the problem I have in the first place. Why am I doing these day-to-day tasks if I don’t see the point? Why don’t I just quit if I have no sense of the future? I need to put the carrot back onto the stick so I’m not just chasing after a little piece of string without a clear sense of reward.

From the websites I’ve seen where there is information that I can apply to my current situation, these are the most helpful pieces of advice:

1. Think about your reactions to success/failure, and try to alter them if they’re usually negative. I.e. actively work on seeing things more optimistically, and on being more compassionate to yourself (as discussed here and here). Modification of internal dialogue can be huge. I wish I could find the source regarding which statements to change, but I think I lost it. 😦 I added the main five statements to my to-do list, so I see them every time I check it and remind myself to be a little kinder. The statements (and their respective changes) are:

Replace “I have to” with “I choose to”

Replace “I must finish” with “When can I start?”

Replace “This is so big” with “I can take one small step”

Replace “I must be perfect” with “I can be human”

Replace “I don’t have time to play” with “I must take time to play”

So far, these have been really helpful. I especially struggle with the last, since I feel very obligated to be in lab all the time. People have commented on my absence during the weekend, or how I usually leave by 4:30, which is a huge no-no for students. Everyone needs a life outside of work, but it’s so frowned upon that it’s difficult to rationalize anyway. Still, boundaries are important, and I should know myself well enough by now to realize when I’m pushing them too far (discussed in part here).

2. Don’t isolate yourself. Realize that you need to interact with other people, even if you’re an introvert and people are often overwhelming. One-on-one contact can be very grounding. And in a survey of how grad students deal with stress, the top-rated resources were all interaction with other people: spouse, peers, and family (as discussed here).

3. Develop your vision of the future, and rework your priorities as necessary.

Each one is a little more difficult than the last. Thinking about the future has always been a little iffy for me. I’m pretty sure that’s only getting worse for current students. When they ask what they should do when they graduate with their bachelor’s degrees, they’re told to go to grad school. Big, big mistake. Grad school without purpose only delays the question a little longer. It doesn’t actually answer it.

Still, I even thought I knew the answer, and here I am anyway, dissatisfied and questioning and feeling stuck. Over the next few days, I think I’ll try to refocus my energy on what I want in the future, and how finishing this program can get me there. Without that knowledge and acceptance, I don’t know how to justify continuing.

Harvesting Amaranth

I mentioned amaranth in my previous garden post, but now I’m going to spend some time really giving it the attention it needs. Before planting it, all I really knew was that amaranth was a type of grain. I was hesitant to plant because of this, but the particular variety that came in my Monsoon Mix was given the common name “Mountain Pima Greens Amaranth” (scientific name Amaranthus cruentus). I use greens a lot more than grains, so I figured I might as well give it a go.

First of all, the plant itself is gorgeous.

I got several complements from passers-by, just because it has such a deep burgundy purple flower and stem, and the leaves get to be quite big and dark green. Well, towards maturity, the leaves started yellowing a bit around the edges, but even that looked pretty nice too.

Anyway, it looks something like this:

The whole plant gets to be about 5-6′ tall. This is the primary flower head, though some auxiliary branches produced their own smaller heads as well. It took about 75 days for this particular plant to go from seedling to harvest. I suspected it might be ready when it kept falling over, but I had a hard time knowing for sure whether or not it was time. On top of that, I wasn’t sure what the best way to harvest this type of amaranth was, but since its grains are quite small (I suspect this particular variety was selected for its greens, based on the name…). I put together a few bits of information and will present them here.

So here is my first-timer how-to on harvesting amaranth.

How do you know it’s ready?

First of all, the multitude of tiny bird poops near the top leaves should have given it away. If the birds are eating it, it’s probably full of seeds. But it wasn’t until I was going through the seed heads that I really noticed these, so it’s just something I’ll have to keep an eye on for next time. Another good way to test its readiness is to pinch some of the flowers, place your palm beneath them, rub them between your fingers, and see what falls off. If you get a bunch of pollen or flower parts, it’s no good. If you get a bunch of tiny black seeds, you’re good to go!

Then what?

I put a bag over my seed heads before clipping them, just to make sure I didn’t lose anything from the shaking during clipping. It also just makes transportation easier, so there’s that too. Anyway, basically just snip away all the heads, then snip off whatever else you want in terms of greens. After harvesting as much as I could, I chopped up the rest for compost.

Now, the fun part.

Once I got my bag full of heads home, the real work began. Grains are ridiculous. If it weren’t for machines, there’s no way we’d eat as many grains as we do, because they are just a pain (well, at least some of them are).

When grains were domesticated, an important selected trait was shattering. This refers to how and when the plant releases its mature grains. Non-domesticated species will release their seeds as soon as they’re ripe, allowing them to drop, be blown around by the wind, or otherwise easily dispersed. Domesticated species hold onto their seeds until some other mechanical force (i.e. threshing) separates them. Some species don’t shatter at all, or only do so under very dry conditions (e.g. corn).

If you have just a few amaranth plants in your garden, chances are you’re going to have to do the grain harvesting by hand. Fortunately, it’s fairly straightforward. There’s not much (any?) chaff to worry about. Wheat, on the other hand, can require an entire additional step to get rid of the extra casing around the seed. Unfortunately, it still takes a long time, and for relatively little quantities.

Okay. Now that I’ve gone on and on about how much work it is, I’ll show you what I mean.

Step 1: Remove any remaining leaves and wash them, because they are delicious when they’re this small. Saute them a bit and they will melt in your mouth like butter.

Step 2: Take a few seed heads at a time and roll them between your palms. You can alternate rolling and crushing with your fingers to try and get some of the stickier seeds free. Do this over a cookie sheet or a large bowl or something to catch everything (including bugs and spiders). When most of the seeds are gone, the heads will go from feeling satisfyingly fat to feeling sad and limp. They’ll lose their plumpness and will just sort of flop around if you shake them. I think you just have to try it to know what I mean, because I don’t really know how to describe it any better than that.

Above is the rolling between the palms. Below is the crushing with the fingers. My hands were stained red by the time I was finished, and this is only one plant! I still have two left in the garden that need to be pulled out soon…

Once you’re finished with this, you should have a fair amount of stuff on your cookie sheet (in your bowl, whichever). I got a pretty even mix of flower parts and seeds, but I was so tired by the end of this that I didn’t really deal with it. I still haven’t really dealt with it, because I’m not sure what the best way to separate seeds from flowers is. I guess I’ll figure it out sooner or later.

Step 3: Admire your bounty.

I had a colander full(-ish) of young leaves, about a cup of seeds/flowers, and some stems/discarded seed heads for the chickens.

I’m not sure I’d plant amaranth again in the future, but it’s been pretty interesting. It adds some nice variety to the garden (which is otherwise all vines all the time), and the greens were tasty. The jury is out on the seeds (mill them into flour? add them to granola? use them like chia seeds, which is apparently a possibility??), but I’ll probably update as soon as I figure that part out.

So there you have it! Give it a try (if you haven’t already) if you’re up for something new and different.

Welcome to Mt. Anxiety

I’m having a huge bout of anxiety lately, mostly about where I currently am in life vs. where I wish I could be. This has been building for the past year (at least) and has just been getting worse and worse. Today was a particularly frustrating day. At the lab, very few of my results were usable (read: the experiment failed), and all I could think was, “Now I have to try again tomorrow, and that will just put my leaving date farther off, and what if it still doesn’t work, or what if the results aren’t anything useful, and and and … ” It’s just not a good mindset to be in. And I try not to let that kind of thinking prevail, but sometimes it’s difficult to keep it under control. I try to tell myself “Self, you are here today and doing something, and that is getting you closer to your goal.” But it just doesn’t feel like it.

My ultimate goal is to graduate in May 2015. It feels like a long, long way away. In the meantime, I have the following obstacles to overcome:

1. Publish 2 manuscripts (both are currently in progress)

2. Possibly publish a 3rd manuscript (depending on how the first two turn out)

3. Complete my comprehensive exam (oral portion is scheduled for this September)

4. Attend 2 conferences (one this fall, another next summer)

5. Give a seminar

6. Defend my dissertation. Y’know. No biggie.

And I don’t even really want to be here anymore. Motivation is dead. It is pining for the fjords. It is ex-motivation. My reason for getting a PhD — possibly going into academia, or running my own lab elsewhere — is no longer my dream. I don’t want it. So why am I still here?

Part of the reason I don’t quit is due to inertia. I’m already here, on this path, so I might as well continue unless something really terrible happens. More education is rarely a bad thing. At least I am gaining experience. I can plan and learn and save money while I’m in school, and while my wife is working (at a job she also hates). But it’s still hard to stay, because it feels like a waste of time and resources (for the school, if not for me). I keep looking for jobs in Virginia, even though I know it’s pointless. Nothing there today is still going to be there in two years, but I check the jobs websites every couple weeks anyway.

It’s also very difficult to be surrounded by people who have not become disillusioned (yet) with academia. Whenever they start their conversations about academia, or graduate school, or the evils of industry, I have to bite my tongue. I don’t want to be That Guy who tries to shatter everyone’s dreams. But the pressure to go into graduate school (or the new Big Thing — to go into an MD/PhD program) is ridiculous and pointless, and if there are more PhDs produced every year than there are positions opening up, I just wish they would quit pushing it. The career services website for my school is filled with “Study for the GRE! Find your perfect graduate program!” But as soon as you search for actual services for graduate students, you get nothing. I realize that graduate fields are very specialized, making it difficult to really offer broad-range services, but at least something would help. Anything, really.

I’m afraid that I will become too bitter to find any day job that I like, and that would make it very, very difficult to start a farm once I can actually leave the program. I know I need an attitude adjustment. Stat.

My wife gave me this link about imagining your dreams, and I think I’ll need to spend some time thinking about it. In particular, point #5:

Take yourself 5 years in the future. You are your most perfect self and there are no rules. Wake up and describe where you are. Who’s in bed with you? What sounds do you hear? What can you smell? Get up and go look in a mirror. What do you look like? What’s your hair like? What’s your body like? Now go eat something – what are you eating? Now go to your closet – describe your wardrobe. Pay special attention to your shoes – they might give us clues as to what you do with your days. Now describe the rest of your day using all your senses. What kinds of conversations are you having? Where are you going? What’s the mood like? What’s the weather like? What are you doing in the evening? Who are you with? What do you feel? 

This paints the picture of your ideal day. Now make 3 wildly exciting and improbable goals based on this future ideal day. Write them down. 

(See more here — Kathleen is a pretty cool lady)

I hope it helps shift my perspective. If not, then… well, it will be a very, very long two years ahead.

Second bunch of links

Once again, I have filled up my browser with dozens of tabs. Here is the next installment of my tab dump for future reference.

Linear Measurement (for bulls and cows: using phenotype as a measure of good genetics. Based on Gerald Fry’s methodology.)

Forages for Swine (pasture management for pasture-raising pigs)

Dirt Hog (a book about pasture-raising pigs)

Making Your Small Farm Profitable (another book: title explains all! I’m very concerned about being able to make money from a farm, so this is very relevant to my interests)

Burnout in Farming (and how to avoid it)

Ask Umbra: How can I become a farmer? (and lots of other links in the article)

50 Top Farm Blogs! Not that I need to get caught up in more blogs just yet, but definitely good for later.

And from the 50 top farm blogs…

Fresh Eggs Daily

Tiny Farm Blog

Current issue of Conservation Biology

Although my research foci are molecular biology and virology, I’m on mailing lists for a number of unrelated journals. These are mostly ecological, stemming from my Fundamentals of Ecology course a couple years ago. One of these journals is Conservation Biology. Most of the time, the articles are oddly specific and deal with systems or organisms that I’m not particularly interested in. Other times, there will be some gems. Here are the latest gems.

First of all, before you get too bored/bogged down in my discussion of human population later on, here is an amazing link for designing your own virtual garden. This was the product of a French group who analyzed biodiversity of users’ virtual gardens here.

I am totally going to design my own virtual garden later this morning. :3

Another article (or comment, really) that caught my attention was this one, entitled “Critical Need for Modification of U.S. Population Policy” by S.H. Hurlbert. I’ve been concerned about population growth for many, many years, but it seems to be one of those topics that is swept under the table because it’s something nobody really wants to talk about, regulate, or enforce. It’s true that forming a strict population policy impinges the independence of the individual, which we cherish so much in the States. Still, on a national or global level, it’s really critical.

I’m always being quoted the prediction that the global population will reach 10 billion by 2050. Usually, this is in the context that we need to produce more food for more people, which usually means cramming more animals into smaller spaces and growing crops that have been bred to produce bigger/more fruits or fibers, usually in huge, monocropped, corporation-owned fields.

This is not the solution.

Fortunately, it seems that people are becoming more and more aware of the ridiculous situation of food production. Our food is artificially cheap. This is part of the reason it’s so attractive to start growing my own, and to provide for a local community rather than The Whole Wide World. Still, the projection of 10 billion people is worrisome. What is the correct way to handle this? Is it better to feed everyone, even if it means disrespecting our food? Or is it better to make food production a priority, at the expense of being unable to support the same number of people? Maybe these things aren’t mutually exclusive. Maybe it can be both ways. I just never hear about those options, and I think it would take an even larger paradigm shift to make it work.

Ok, back to the article. That was a huge tangent, but it’s why I’m so keen on reading more about population policy. The comment was in response to a previously-published article (here), entitled “What Every Conservation Biologist Should Know About Human Population” by T.D. Allendorf and K. Allendorf.

This first article essentially says that population growth rate is declining (currently about 1.2%, down 0.8% from the 1960s). Each female has an average of 2.5 children: because she is confident that her children will survive to adulthood, she no longer needs to give birth to many children, knowing that most of them will die at a young age. Allendorf and Allendorf say that projections using this growth rate is much more reasonable than projections from the 1960s, and that population growth itself should no longer be as great of a concern (assuming it is still maintained at or below the current rate). Instead, we should focus our efforts on population distribution and consumption. Their main 3 points are:

1. Support family planning. “…access to contraception needs to be maintained in the future. Maintaining such access will help women realize their reproductive choices and minimize population growth.” This is a huge problem in the States right now. Contraception is stigmatized, and women are constantly fighting for reproductive freedom.

2. Move people into cities and away from key habitats, where conservation efforts should be focused. “…the focus on population size should shift to a more comprehensive approach to population.”

3. Address consumption, and find ways to minimize it. “The pathways to reduced consumption will probably also be numerous and context-specific, and ultimately, people will make individual choices that make sense in their social and economic environment.” This is another huge problem in the States. Our economy is based on consumption, and though it may be slowly shifting to a more service-based economy, we are still constantly told to buy Things to stimulate the economy.

Hurlbert agrees with Allendorf and Allendorf about the focus on consumption and population structure, but he still feels that population growth should be addressed nation-wide. His response can be summarized as follows:

1. The United States needs a better population policy. It is currently based on dysfunctional immigration laws, disconnected sex education, tax subsidies for large families, welfare incentives for early reproduction, and laws limiting the availability of family planning services. I totally agree here.

2. Defining an optimal population size for the U.S. This does not necessarily need to be enforced (a la the One-Child Law in China, for example), but it will help policy-makers allocate resources appropriately. This is probably wishful thinking, but it is a good idea.

3. Immigration rates should be reduced. I’ve heard this is already becoming less of a problem, but I can’t back that up with anything. Hurlbert says that immigration rates are currently high, and that an effort should be made to reduce them to moderate or low levels.

4. Eliminate the federal $1000 tax credit per child. Instead, offer a $3000 tax credit to any family with one or more children. This reduces the incentive to have more children for more tax breaks, and may instead encourage less children for the same benefit.

5. Encourage females to wait before having children. “In the United States, about 20% of women have their first child at 19 or younger.” The goal would be to incentivize those 20% to wait an additional few years.

6. Allow more access to family-planning services. Good luck with that one. “Politicians who wish to outlaw use of contraceptives, to disallow abortion regardless of circumstances, or to otherwise impose their religious beliefs on others will continue to be obstacles to any rational U.S. population policy.”

There are a couple other finer points (mainly the media and the ability to switch policies on some of the above-mentioned issues). Still, I hope this discussion gains more ground, and that we can actually start to implement some of these changes.

Pigs, Poultry, and Pandemics

I don’t even remember how I started thinking about this, but I realized today that my plan to have chickens and (probably) pigs might be problematic due to influenza. Birds can carry all known strains of influenza (i.e. any combination of H1-9 and N1-9) due to a type of receptor in their lungs. We can only carry a handful of strains of influenza due to a totally different type of receptor in our lungs. Pigs, however, have both bird-type receptors and human-type receptors, hence the whole “mixing vessel” business that you may have heard about (especially when H1N1 was all over the news).

So what does this mean if you want to farm chickens and pigs? Is it a problem? Are you at a higher risk of getting influenza if you co-pasture your animals? Do you need to keep them separate? How much space do they need? These are the kinds of questions that suddenly struck me this afternoon, so I started Googling.

I should have known, however, that I would come across a lot of topics that affect only conventional (or commercial?) chicken and pig farming: i.e. pick one or the other, keep them confined (in bird-proof buildings), treat your water, and keep your feed covered.

I realize that this has probably worked for many, many, many farmers. Maybe it really is the only way to do it if you’re farming on a commercial scale. If you come into contact with thousands of birds every day, you’re at a higher risk of transmitting something due to increased probability of encountering an infected bird.

I’ve seen people successfully farm chickens and pigs on a small scale, and I wonder if it’s only probability (having less chickens means lower likelihood of transmission) or if it also has to do with the animals’ lifestyles.

I could see an additional reduction in risk if the pasture rotation includes pigs, followed by chickens (rather than the other way around — but I don’t think anyone has ever suggested that anyway). There have been successful co-habitation between chickens and pigs in the pasture, and it doesn’t sound like anyone has had a problem, so maybe this isn’t as big of an issue as I’m making it out to be.

Being pastured may provide a boost to the immune system of the animals, either due to a more varied diet or due to exposure to other pathogens.

Being pastured may put the animals in contact with beneficial microbes.

I’m not sure. I’m just speculating. I would be very interested to know if this had ever been a problem for anyone, or if there are reasons it should be fine. Flu is one of those diseases that is either just kind of pesky or really makes you want to die. Either way, I’d rather reduce my chances of ending up with a novel reassorted strain if possible.

Any insight would be appreciated!

First mess of links

Staying true to the purpose of this blog, here are a whole bunch of links. I really need to close some tabs in my browser, so they are going here for future reference.

Sugar Mountain Farm is full of information, especially about pasture-raised pork (something I am very interested in). The tab I currently have open is about Piglet Interventions.

The Beginning Farmer is a similar chronicling of the startup process. I’m only through the end of 2007, but so far he’s had a lot of really useful information. Although he raises cattle (something I am not interested in at all…), there are a lot of general issues, philosophy of farming, problems with startup and planning, etc. posts that have been helpful.

A little more business related…

Planning a new farm (from beginningfarmers.org — so far not terribly impressed, but that may just be due to site (mis-)management: it is essentially yet another collection of links to other sites, which gets old real fast)

Small farm business plans (from Chicken Thistle Farm — their veggie pictures look delicious)

Farm financial planning (from Center for Rural Affairs)

And science-related…

Non-academic science careers (yes please!)

Union of Concerned Scientists: Food and Ag (also some other interesting stuff in there)

 

That’s all for now, but I’m sure it will explode again in no time.

The Story

So what’s this all about?

This whole thing started because of some serious thinking about the life I want to have.

Currently, I am enrolled in a doctoral program, studying microbiology. As a PhD student, I’m pressured to stay in academia: to get some post-doctoral research under my belt, then to apply for a tenure-track faculty position in an over-saturated market, where I would have to rub shoulders with the right people and sit in an office writing grants, hoping and praying I’m in that lucky 5%* that will actually get funded. If I am, I will still have to teach and deal with the over-saturated university systems, sit on more committees than I care to be on, and essentially have very little time for myself or for other interests. I’m sure it isn’t always like that everywhere. But I’ve seen enough, and I don’t like it.

I came to the realization lately that I like hard labor. I like going to bed physically exhausted; otherwise my mind will keep me awake for hours. I’m an introvert and like to be alone (or in small groups). I love being outside. There are a lot of little things that have attracted me to small-scale farming lately, and it’s sounding like a better and better option all the time. I know it isn’t easy. I know it won’t make me rich. I know I could fail spectacularly. But I’ve seen enough (being in the College of Agriculture…) of big agricultural corporations, and of the mindset surrounding them, to know that it’s not sustainable. It’s something I want to avoid. I like growing my own food and being able to provide it to others. I realize that there is a tendency to romanticize farming and country living, but for me, and for what I want, it feels like a good choice.

I won’t quit my PhD program and move and buy a hundred cows/pigs/goats/chickens/etc. right away. I probably have a couple years left here, which gives me time to plan, research, ask questions, and so on. It also gives me time to save money, since it will take a lot to start. We (my wife and I) are in full research-and-plan phase. We have a couple of friends who are on board, which helps a lot! One of them has land in the family, which we will likely be using when we start: we’ll probably go visit it in October. So far, I have the support of everyone I’ve talked to about it. I’ll still find an office job and keep it for a few years, until it’s clear whether or not the farm will take off. I’m not going to go crazy, even if I really, really want to.

So there you have it. This blog is basically a place for me to write down some ideas, keep track of information, and chronicle the journey from PhD program to small-scale farm.

 

* I don’t actually know how accurate this is. It probably depends on a lot of factors, but it is the number I am often quoted when people gripe about how hard it is to get money.

Just another blog…

I just wanted to start something to let me think through some life-direction changes I’ll be going through. Having a blog is a little easier than relying on tumblr or Pinterest or what-have-you. It helps me to be able to write things down in a more cohesive manner.

We’ll see how this goes.